Day 13, August 13th Friday
I didn’t follow W & W on the day, I had another performance & opening of a show also most of their schedule was in parallel besides meeting Willow’s mother for dinner, which I assumed that it wouldn’t be appropriate me following them to the dinner, Willow has not been come out about her poly to her mother yet and recently considering talking to her. After the dinner they wanted spend time together especially after Wesley spending extensive time with Renee last 5 days. But Wesley wanted to go dancing and Willow didn’t feel like it. Wesley went out dancing with one of Renee’s friends he recently met and came back home around 3am. Willow spent the night with Jacob.
W & W at the beach
Day 14th, August 14th Saturday
Wesley and Willow has planned on going to river/lake on the day. Wesley has been up and waiting for Willow to come back home from Jacob’s and 2 other friends to join them. One of their friend arrives to the house, Willow is picking up another friend on the way from Jacob’s, she was considering taking bus back home but ended up waiting Jacob for a ride. Willow ends up not getting home until about 1 hour after their friend’s arrival to their house. Everyone is frustrated, around 12:30pm finally departing from home in a hurry. 1 of their friend want to stop grab some food, as they leave, W & W realizing that they didn’t bring the grill from home, and they need to get a gas. While the friend is getting some food, W &W go to get gas then pick up the friend, grab the grill from house quickly then hitting the road again around 1:10pm. As they cross state borderline, everyone feel a bit of relief. W&W and their 2 other friends spend time in the lake, then laying on the grass. Leaves the lake around 6pm
Back home: W & W tries to decide their schedule, there is consistent tension on conflicted needs, wants, and anxieties each of them have. The talk is not smooth, Willow is quite emotional, leaving the room, I ask Wesley if they need to talk in private, he says probably. I leave the room. Later I come out, Willow is about to leave the house with another friend whom she’s give a ride back home and may spend time with rest of the evening. Wesley is not around, Willow says he’s on the phone doesn’t want to interrupt. Rest of the night, Wesley stays at home and Willow ends up going to a party with Jacob and spend the night at Jacob’s.
Day 15th, August 15th Sunday
Wesley sleep in then wakes up, Willow is not home yet. They were planning on going to the beach but it seems like they don’t know when and with whom they will go to the beach. Then Willow comes back home with Jacob. There are some conversations where I’m not around. I feel the continuing tension and anxieties, not a good time to be around while they decide to do what they will do. Waiting for them to inform me what’s going on. Then I don’t hear from them. I decide to take a day off following them. I send test message to Willow that I will be taking a day off. Around 6pm when I leave house, Wesley is home and Willow is gone to the beach, assuming with Jacob. Around 9pm when I’m back to the house, Wesley and Willow is watching TV together in the living room.
Day 16, August 16th Monday
5:25pm Willow is back from work, I’m not around them feel like leaving them to interact freely without me around.
5:45pm Wesley tells me that they are going to a place for happy hour. I decide to meet them in the place.
W & W dinner
6:05pm @ bar/restaurant, by the time I get to the place, they ordered food and got the food but the order was placed wrong, Willow got her food but not Wesley. There are casual conversations, but the continuing tension from the last 4-5 days is still exist. After dinner they are planning on going to poly discussion group they go once a month. They have about 15 min before heading to the place. As we finish up the dinner, I decide to wait outside for them to go to poly meeting and leave them alone for 10 min or so.
6:37pm Wesley and Willow comes out of the bar, Wesley walking ahead about a short 1 block. Willow and I walk behind him she looks like upset. Willow tells me that she told him about her bad day at work and Wesley told her he doesn’t want to deal with her negativity and dramas around then walked away. Willow says all she wanted was Wesley saying “That sucks, sorry you had a bad day”. They walk back home, I’m not sure what’s going on. There is a small argument,Wesley picks up something from home and about to leave the house. Willow asks if they are going together by foot, Wesley says yes, Willow asks then to walk with her, Wesley says then to walk fast to keep up with him. There is a bit of argument about that. Then Wesley walks away from living room and goes into the bedroom. Willow follows soon after.
Wesley asks Willow to be positive and put smiley face, Willow says he can’t tell her how she feels, she just want to share how she feels. Both of them are upset……Few min later, Wesley and Willow come out. Willow tells me they are going to the meeting by car. Wesley drives car, in an irritated mood. We all going to the meeting, there isn’t much of verbal interaction.
At the poly meeting(7-9pm): everyone have turns to introduce themselves and bring up topics they want to discuss. W & W introduce themselves, with no topics for discussion. About halfway in the meeting, Wesley reach out his hand and touching Willow, there is some hesitance on Willow reception to the gesture. After a bit of back and forth of hesitant gestures between Wesley and Willow, they keep holding their hand rest of time.
Around 9:20pm Back to home: The mood is a bit calmer but still not total easement. As we arrive to home, I stay behind in the front porch, and W&W go into the house. Soon after W & W come out, Willow is engaging conversation with me. She apologize me about her anxiety last a week or so affecting me. I tell her that I’m not sure when I need to back up and give them private time, it would be better if they tell me when than I keep trying to feel up the mood and decide on my own term. We talk a bit about next a week (Wed-next Wed), I will be not staying with W & W while I have a visitor from Chicago. I suggest for them keeping up with blog updating what’s going on in their words during the time and schedule couple of occasions to meet up in casual social setting. Then they start to talk about what they will do on their anniversary day, coming Thursday. Wesley wants Willow to take a day off from work and to spend time with him. Willow says there is a possibility of taking that day off in exchange of working on Saturday but not for certain. She doesn’t want to use sick day since she only have 3 days for next a year because of their 2 weeks trip to France for their 10th anniversary. Willow asks Wesley how important it is to him her taking day off on Thursday. Wesley says he would like her to do so and spend time together, he misses time with her and that has been the way in past anniversary days. But Wesley says he doesn’t have a solid plan of what they want to do so he can’t insist it if it’s too much. Willow points out when she was in school, there were time when she went to school on the anniversary day. But she says she will look into what she can do. Then they start to talk about current frustration of both feeling like not having enough time with each other, how their schedules have been parallel, and each of their issues and support system. They make clearer communication about how to deal with each of their issues with what kind of support system: Wesley is clear to Willow that he cannot be there for her anxiety issue at this point because he need to deal with his own one built up around Renee and he can’t spend time with Willow if she has negativity because it is so obvious to him and he would feel down hanging out with her at this point, Willow asks Wesley what kind of support system he has and how he will deal with it. Wesley says he will take care of it by himself, he mentions he’d done that most of his adult life and even in childhood, Willow passively says she took care of him last 10 years. Wesley says he will probably just need a few days alone to take care of it but with keep crossing with Willow, it makes him hard to deal with. Then they talk a little bit about Willow’s support system, Wesley asks her if Jacob can be her support system. Willow says it is unfamiliar to Jacob and also she doesn’t want to fall back to Jacob after spending so much time with him last week becoming issue with Wesley feeling they are not spending enough time together. At this point they agree on Wesley spending intensive time with Renee before her trip for half of the last week and Willow spending a lot of time with Jacob rest of the week, lack of smooth coordination on Willow coming back from Jacob’s place and spending time with Wesley equally contributed the parallel schedules of theirs last week. Then Willow answers my question about what is her issues and what is her supporting system. The conversation turns into more of one between Willow and I, soon Wesley leaves. Willow asks for a handshake to Wesley, they shake their hands then Wesley kisses Willow. After that, Willow and I talk about Willow’s anxiety issue, she’s been dealing with for an extensive time then being fine last 2 years then it started coming back 2 weeks ago, and her support system. Last two months with Wesley’s new relationship with Renee and having NRE (New Relationship Energy), Willow started to spend more time with Jacob, and Wesley and Willow dynamics has been keep shifting. The circumstance seems definitely affecting Willow with her anxiety.
I have notice from the later conversation on the day between Wesley and Willow, Willow was keep apologizing to Wesley and asking more specific need and support system of his. I think Willow attentive character to the schedule, and detail tends to nurture Wesley’s need to be spoken more than Willow’s herself in the conversation. In the same time, her same character seems like contributing Willow need to have longer time to move on from each conflicts/anxiety she faces. With upcoming 10th anniversary in few days, and juggling schedules of each of theirs being in multiple relationships and other obligations, they both feel pressure of time, maybe a bit more on Willow. The situation appeals to be that Wesley and Willow need to work on addressing each of their issues in their own before they can catch up with their time together which they both desire so strongly but unable to pull it out at this moment. I think they need to try ignore the time pressure during this time.
I wonder if their updating blog for next a week in their words would work out for Wesley and Willow to express their different perspectives and communicate less pressing way to each other.
** Intro about issues people may come across in nonmonogamous relationship : quotes from “Opening up” book, Chapter 14
“People in nonmonogamous relationships face all the issues that monogamous people do; however, certain problems are specific to nonmonogamy or seem to crop up more frequently when a relationship is open. These include complications from “New relationship energy”; time management issues; miscommunication; the violation of rules and agreements; coping with change; coming out and dealing with reactions from loved ones…..
New Relationship Energy: NRE is that euphoric state of love or lust in which the world seems to revolve around the new person. It is both wonderful and dangerous. It’s wonderful because you feel energized, alive, excited, and thrilled at having found a mutual connection with someone. You want to tell everyone about her; you tend to see all of her positive aspects and none of her flaws. One of the benefits of open relationships is the ability to experience NRE without having to end an existing relationship. How can such wonderful feelings be dangerous for people in open relationships? During the period, your judgment is altered-it’s fueled by hormones and desire and clouded by overwhelming feelings of love and lust. Many people report that when a partner is experiencing NRE, they are focused only on themselves and the new partner; the neglect other partners, do callous things and make rash decisions. NRE can cause grievous heartache to one’s partners, and it has known to break up relationships.
Coping with NRE: Partner of one experiencing NRE-patience is the key, One experiencing NRE, acknowledge that it’s happening and be aware of the crazy state you’re in. Pay close attention to your existing partners and relationships: be conscious not to neglect them or take them for granted, and be sensitive to how they feel. Channel your newfound burst of love and energy to benefit all your relationships, not just new one. Don’t make significant decisions in the throes of NRE…Take time, listen to your loved ones…..”
Couples in Action, a contemporay art project 