“Couples in Action” is a contemporary art project that adapts the use of collective creative imaginations and performance in everyday life in conjunction with tools from technology-oriented society. Collective creative imaginations will allow the each individual to express their unconventional desire in their relationship and combine the imaginations satisfying both parties. It will integrate into your communication broadening …the horizon of their relationship and deepening the quality of the relationship. Performance in everyday life is a method of delivering thoughts and emotions collected from “collective creative imaginations”. This performance is not scripted nor is staged, but giving you a chance to freely experience “what ifs” of your and your partner’s imagination.

Hi Hoyun,

I’ve been thinking a lot the past couple of days and talking with Wesley, and unfortunately I don’t think I can participate in your project any longer.  As you and I talked about early in the week, I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety the past couple of weeks.  There’s multiple factors that have been causing me to feel the way I do, but I think the overall cause is just too many disruptions in my life happening at once.  Working with you has been interesting and at times fun, but ultimately I think that the nature of the project (being observed, photographed, recorded, quoted in the blog, etc.) provokes my anxiety too much for me to cope with while also going through major relationship changes.  I have a history of social anxiety and part of me wondered if participating in your project was a good idea to begin with, but I thought I would be able to do it and maybe use it as a chance to push my boundaries and grow.  Instead, it feels like one more thing complicating my life during an already emotional time and I find myself feeling excessively uncomfortable and on edge.  I’m really sorry to have to end it early and I hope you can understand.  It’s absolutely not personal; I like you and you haven’t done anything wrong.  I feel bad to let you down, but I want you to know you can still use all the material you have so far.  If you’d like, I can also write a final blog entry.  If you want to talk I’ll be free after work tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Willow

So, I guess that pretty much explains what I was feeling.  Over the last couple weeks, there have been even more dramatic and emotional changes in my life, and I feel relieved that it’s not being documented by an outsider.  I like the idea of Couples in Action- I just wish I was more outgoing and less self-conscious.

Hoyun asked me to describe in the blog what it was like being followed and observed and whether it affected my relationship with Wesley.  I felt okay about having Hoyun watch me clean and organize at home one night, and about having her join the dinner party with Ron and DK.  However, I felt pretty uncomfortable having her join Wesley and me for dinner at the mexican restaurant or at the bar the night of the poly discussion group.  I learned (or rather confirmed) that I’m not comfortable with being open about my personal life with someone I don’t know very well.  Wesley and I are so close and understand each other so well.  Having another person along made me continually wonder what she thought of what we were saying to each other and made me want to explain and give background details about much of our discussion, which then made each discussion longer.

Any impact the project had on our relationship was slight and mostly neutral.  For example, I was interested in Hoyun’s observation that during the poly group, right after Wesley and I had fought, that he tried repeatedly to hold my hand and that it was only reluctantly that I allowed it.  It’s caused me to take notice a couple times since then that I’m communicating with body language, but really, I already knew that much communication is non-verbal and it hasn’t changed my behavior.  Another example was later that same night when Hoyun and I sat outside on the porch and I talked to her about what I was feeling.  It was good to talk with someone who had just witnessed our fight, but if she hadn’t been there, I probably would have called a friend.

Overall, I don’t think the project had any lasting impression on our relationship.  Everything going on between us feels too complex to explain to a new person and it’s honestly a relief to spend a little less time talking about feelings.

I think this project could be interesting and potentially beneficial to someone less prone than I to social anxiety.  I hope some brave couples choose to participate, and I’ll be interested in following their stories.

Throughout the duration of the project, the artist will stay with the couple of concern in their home and act as an initiator and facilitator of the process; documenting and listening to their thoughts, collecting their imaginations, helping them decide what persona is best to perform, monitoring their performances and giving daily feedback of the performance and it’s effects on their “actual” relationship.

The project travels 6 cities in USA, is coming to Chicago in September, 2010! If you are a couple and interested in the project, please contact me for more information! If you know any couple who may interested in, please introduce them to me!

Contact info:

email: couplesinaction@gmail.com, phone: 312-927-5994

More Info:
htttp://hoyun.wordpress.com/
http://hoyunson.com/

About the artist
Hoyun Son USA/Korea
Hoyun Son is a relational / conceptual artist working in various media includes text, performance, multi-media installation, and interactive installations. Her practice is mainly focused on generating new ideas/ways of quality life in this globalized, technology oriented society through open conversations and subtle but intentionally selective encounters arts can provide. Born in Korea, Has background in Social Welfare and Information and Library Science. Hoyun Son moved to USA in 2001 to attend School of Art Institute of Chicago where she earned her BFA and MFA. She has performed in various public venues in Chicago, Boston, Dallas, Portland,OR and Seoul, Korea. Exhibited her works in Chicago, Houston, Austin, Portland, OR, ,Boston, Columbia, OH, Romania, Norway and Korea. Also she is recipient of various awards and fellowships include Illinois Art Council, National Endowment of Art through Delaware Contemporary Center for Art, Skowhegan Painting and Sculpture, MacDowell Colony in USA, and Sandness Kommune of Norway.

Yesterday was our 10 year wedding anniversary.  We’re taking a trip to France next month to celebrate, so yesterday was fairly low-key.  Also, I’m very busy at work this week and had to be in the office.  I got home from work about 5:30 and Wesley and I went for a walk in the sun.  We go for walks in our neighborhood together nearly every day as a way of getting exercise and catching up on each others’ lives.  We chatted a bit about our day, then went out for a fancy dinner.  It was relaxing to be around each other and not feeling any tension.  The thing that stands out most to me about our dinner conversation was that we talked a lot about our other partners and our relationships with them.  We tried to focus more on us as a couple, but we realized that we’ve spent so much time and energy on our other relationships that we actually had little else to talk about.  This wasn’t actually depressing or discouraging to me, but did motivate me to pay more attention to other aspects of my life.  When we got home, we spent some much-needed time focused only on each other and went to sleep.

August 20th:

I went to work and Wesley worked on recording a musician he’s been working with.  When I got home, we did spend some time talking, but most of our evening was spent separately in the same space.  I like that we’re comfortable doing our own thing around each other.  Wesley mostly played a video game to relax, and I spent a lot of time online looking for accommodations for our France trip.

Use of porn?

BDSM club experiences??

They talk a little bit about first sex experiences, and then Willow talks about their honeymoon, 10 years ago.

Portland, OR on August 17th

6pm I’m out working on my other art project, calling Willow and talk for few min around this time. Willow gets home, earlier of the day Wesley had friends came over, made some Hawaiian food. Wesley have a band practice from 7pm, Willow will leave house to stay with Jacob around 8pm. Willow hang out with Wesley and his friends for a bit.

I didn’t follow W & W on the day, I had another performance & opening of a show also most of their schedule was in parallel besides meeting Willow’s mother for dinner, which I assumed that it wouldn’t be appropriate me following them to the dinner, Willow has not been come out about her poly to her mother yet and recently considering talking to her. After the dinner they wanted spend time together especially after Wesley spending extensive time with Renee last 5 days. But Wesley wanted to go dancing and Willow didn’t feel like it. Wesley went out dancing with one of Renee’s friends he recently met and came back home around 3am. Willow spent the night with Jacob.

W & W at the beach

Day 14th, August 14th Saturday

Wesley and Willow has planned on going to river/lake on the day. Wesley has been up and waiting for Willow to come back home from Jacob’s and 2 other friends to join them. One of their friend arrives to the house, Willow is picking up another friend on the way from Jacob’s, she was considering taking bus back home but ended up waiting Jacob for a ride. Willow ends up not getting home until about 1 hour after their friend’s arrival to their house. Everyone is frustrated, around 12:30pm finally departing from home in a hurry. 1 of their friend want to stop grab some food, as they leave, W & W realizing that they didn’t bring the grill from home, and they need to get a gas. While the friend is getting some food, W &W go to get gas then pick up the friend, grab the grill from house quickly then hitting the road again around 1:10pm. As they cross state borderline, everyone feel a bit of relief. W&W and their 2 other friends spend time in the lake, then laying on the grass. Leaves the lake around 6pm

Back home: W & W tries to decide their schedule, there is consistent tension on conflicted needs, wants, and anxieties each of them have. The talk is not smooth, Willow is quite emotional, leaving the room, I ask Wesley if they need to talk in private, he says probably. I leave the room. Later I come out, Willow is about to leave the house with another friend whom she’s give a ride back home and may spend time with rest of the evening. Wesley is not around, Willow says he’s on the phone doesn’t want to interrupt. Rest of the night, Wesley stays at home and Willow ends up going to a party with Jacob and spend the night at Jacob’s.

Day 15th, August 15th Sunday

Wesley sleep in then wakes up, Willow is not home yet. They were planning on going to the beach but it seems like they don’t know when and with whom they will go to the beach. Then Willow comes back home with Jacob. There are some conversations where I’m not around. I feel the continuing tension and anxieties, not a good time to be around while they decide to do what they will do. Waiting for them to inform me what’s going on. Then I don’t hear from them. I decide to take a day off following them. I send test message to Willow that I will be taking a day off. Around 6pm when I leave house, Wesley is home and Willow is gone to the beach, assuming with Jacob. Around 9pm when I’m back to the house, Wesley and Willow is watching TV together in the living room.

Day 16, August 16th Monday

5:25pm Willow is back from work, I’m not around them feel like leaving them to interact freely without me around.

5:45pm Wesley tells me that they are going to a place for happy hour. I decide to meet them in the place.

W & W dinner

6:05pm @ bar/restaurant, by the time I get to the place, they ordered food and got the food but the order was placed wrong, Willow got her food but not Wesley. There are casual conversations, but the continuing tension from the last 4-5 days is still exist. After dinner they are planning on going to poly discussion group they go once a month. They have about 15 min before heading to the place. As we finish up the dinner, I decide to wait outside for them to go to poly meeting and leave them alone for 10 min or so.

6:37pm Wesley and Willow comes out of the bar, Wesley walking ahead about a short 1 block. Willow and I walk behind him she looks like upset. Willow tells me that she told him about her bad day at work and Wesley told her he doesn’t want to deal with her negativity and dramas around then walked away. Willow says all she wanted was Wesley saying “That sucks, sorry you had a bad day”. They walk back home, I’m not sure what’s going on. There is a small argument,Wesley picks up something from home and about to leave the house. Willow asks if they are going together by foot, Wesley says yes, Willow asks then to walk with her, Wesley says then to walk fast to keep up with him. There is a bit of argument about that. Then Wesley walks away from living room and goes into the bedroom. Willow follows soon after.

Wesley asks Willow to be positive and put smiley face, Willow says he can’t tell her how she feels, she just want to share how she feels. Both of them are upset……Few min later, Wesley and Willow come out. Willow tells me they are going to the meeting by car. Wesley drives car, in an irritated mood. We all going to the meeting, there isn’t much of verbal interaction.

At the poly meeting(7-9pm): everyone have turns to introduce themselves and bring up topics they want to discuss. W & W introduce themselves, with no topics for discussion. About halfway in the meeting, Wesley reach out his hand and touching Willow, there is some hesitance on Willow reception to the gesture. After a bit of back and forth of hesitant gestures between Wesley and Willow, they keep holding their hand rest of time.

Around 9:20pm Back to home: The mood is a bit calmer but still not total easement. As we arrive to home, I stay behind in the front porch, and W&W go into the house. Soon after W & W come out, Willow is engaging conversation with me. She apologize me about her anxiety last a week or so affecting me. I tell her that I’m not sure when I need to back up and give them private time, it would be better if they tell me when than I keep trying to feel up the mood and decide on my own term. We talk a bit about next a week (Wed-next Wed), I will be not staying with W & W while I have a visitor from Chicago. I suggest for them keeping up with blog updating what’s going on in their words during the time and schedule couple of occasions to meet  up in casual social setting. Then they start to talk about what they will do on their anniversary day, coming Thursday. Wesley wants Willow to take a day off from work and to spend time with him. Willow says there is a possibility of taking that day off in exchange of working on Saturday but not for certain. She doesn’t want to use sick day since she only have 3 days for next a year because of their 2 weeks trip to France for their 10th anniversary. Willow asks Wesley how important it is to him her taking day off on Thursday. Wesley says he would like her to do so and spend time together, he misses time with her and that has been the way in past anniversary days. But Wesley says he doesn’t have a solid plan of what they want to do so he can’t insist it if it’s too much. Willow points out when she was in school, there were time when she went to school on the anniversary day. But she says she will look into what she can do. Then they start to talk about current frustration of both feeling like not having enough time with each other, how their schedules have been parallel, and each of their issues and support system. They make clearer communication about how to deal with each of their issues with what kind of support system: Wesley is clear to Willow that he cannot be there for her anxiety issue at this point because he need to deal with his own one built up around Renee and he can’t spend time with Willow if she has negativity because it is so obvious to him and he would feel down hanging out with her at this point, Willow asks Wesley what kind of support system he has and how he will deal with it. Wesley says he will take care of it by himself, he mentions he’d done that most of his adult life and even in childhood, Willow passively says she took care of him last 10 years. Wesley says he will probably just need a few days alone to take care of it but with keep crossing with Willow, it makes him hard to deal with. Then they talk a little bit about Willow’s support system, Wesley asks her if Jacob can be her support system. Willow says it is unfamiliar to Jacob and also she doesn’t want to fall back to Jacob after spending so much time with him last week becoming issue with Wesley feeling they are not spending enough time together. At this point they agree on Wesley spending intensive time with Renee before her trip for half of the last week and Willow spending a lot of time with Jacob rest of the week, lack of smooth coordination on Willow coming back from Jacob’s place and spending time with Wesley equally contributed the parallel schedules of theirs last week. Then Willow answers my question about what is her issues and what is her supporting system. The conversation turns into more of one between Willow and I, soon Wesley leaves. Willow asks for a handshake to Wesley, they shake their hands then Wesley kisses Willow. After that, Willow and I talk about Willow’s anxiety issue, she’s been dealing with for an extensive time then being fine last 2 years then it started coming back 2 weeks ago, and her support system. Last two months with Wesley’s new relationship with Renee and having NRE (New Relationship Energy), Willow started to spend more time with Jacob, and Wesley and Willow dynamics has been keep shifting. The circumstance seems definitely affecting Willow with her anxiety.

I have notice from the later conversation on the day between Wesley and Willow, Willow was keep apologizing to Wesley and asking more specific need and support system of his. I think Willow attentive character to the schedule, and detail tends to nurture Wesley’s need to be spoken more than Willow’s herself in the conversation. In the same time, her same character seems like contributing Willow need to have longer time to move on from each conflicts/anxiety she faces. With upcoming 10th anniversary in few days, and juggling schedules of each of theirs being in multiple relationships and other obligations, they both feel pressure of time, maybe a bit more on Willow. The situation appeals to be that Wesley and Willow need to work on addressing each of their issues in their own before they can catch up with their time together which they both desire so strongly but unable to pull it out at this moment. I think they need to try ignore the time pressure during this time.

I wonder if their updating blog for next a week in their words would work out for Wesley and Willow to express their different perspectives and communicate less pressing way to each other.

** Intro about issues people may come across in nonmonogamous relationship : quotes from “Opening up” book, Chapter 14

“People in nonmonogamous relationships face all the issues that monogamous people do; however, certain problems are specific to nonmonogamy or seem to crop up more frequently when a relationship is open. These include complications from “New relationship energy”; time management issues; miscommunication; the violation of rules and agreements; coping with change; coming out and dealing with reactions from loved ones…..

New Relationship Energy: NRE is that euphoric state of love or lust in which the world seems to revolve around the new person. It is both wonderful and dangerous. It’s wonderful because you feel energized, alive, excited, and thrilled at having found a mutual connection with someone. You want to tell everyone about her; you tend to see all of her positive aspects and none of her flaws. One of the benefits of open relationships is the ability to experience NRE without having to end an existing relationship. How can such wonderful feelings be dangerous for people in open relationships? During the period, your judgment is altered-it’s fueled by hormones and desire and clouded by overwhelming feelings of love and lust. Many people report that when a partner is experiencing NRE, they are focused only on themselves and the new partner; the neglect other partners, do callous things and make rash decisions. NRE can cause grievous heartache to one’s partners, and it has known to break up relationships.

Coping with NRE: Partner of one experiencing NRE-patience is the key, One experiencing NRE, acknowledge that it’s happening and be aware of the crazy state you’re in. Pay close attention to your existing partners and relationships: be conscious not to neglect them or take them for granted, and be sensitive to how they feel. Channel your newfound burst of love and energy to benefit all your relationships, not just new one. Don’t make significant decisions in the throes of NRE…Take time, listen to your loved ones…..”

*All names are beeped out for privacy unless consented.

1. Talks around Orgy

2. Talks about hetero/bi sexual male’s sexual interactions

3. Wesley and Ron’s threesome, foursome experience