A little over two weeks ago, I made the tough decision to end my participation in Couples in Action early. Here is the message I sent to Hoyun on August 22nd:
Hi Hoyun,
I’ve been thinking a lot the past couple of days and talking with Wesley, and unfortunately I don’t think I can participate in your project any longer. As you and I talked about early in the week, I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety the past couple of weeks. There’s multiple factors that have been causing me to feel the way I do, but I think the overall cause is just too many disruptions in my life happening at once. Working with you has been interesting and at times fun, but ultimately I think that the nature of the project (being observed, photographed, recorded, quoted in the blog, etc.) provokes my anxiety too much for me to cope with while also going through major relationship changes. I have a history of social anxiety and part of me wondered if participating in your project was a good idea to begin with, but I thought I would be able to do it and maybe use it as a chance to push my boundaries and grow. Instead, it feels like one more thing complicating my life during an already emotional time and I find myself feeling excessively uncomfortable and on edge. I’m really sorry to have to end it early and I hope you can understand. It’s absolutely not personal; I like you and you haven’t done anything wrong. I feel bad to let you down, but I want you to know you can still use all the material you have so far. If you’d like, I can also write a final blog entry. If you want to talk I’ll be free after work tomorrow.
Sincerely,
Willow
So, I guess that pretty much explains what I was feeling. Over the last couple weeks, there have been even more dramatic and emotional changes in my life, and I feel relieved that it’s not being documented by an outsider. I like the idea of Couples in Action- I just wish I was more outgoing and less self-conscious.
Hoyun asked me to describe in the blog what it was like being followed and observed and whether it affected my relationship with Wesley. I felt okay about having Hoyun watch me clean and organize at home one night, and about having her join the dinner party with Ron and DK. However, I felt pretty uncomfortable having her join Wesley and me for dinner at the mexican restaurant or at the bar the night of the poly discussion group. I learned (or rather confirmed) that I’m not comfortable with being open about my personal life with someone I don’t know very well. Wesley and I are so close and understand each other so well. Having another person along made me continually wonder what she thought of what we were saying to each other and made me want to explain and give background details about much of our discussion, which then made each discussion longer.
Any impact the project had on our relationship was slight and mostly neutral. For example, I was interested in Hoyun’s observation that during the poly group, right after Wesley and I had fought, that he tried repeatedly to hold my hand and that it was only reluctantly that I allowed it. It’s caused me to take notice a couple times since then that I’m communicating with body language, but really, I already knew that much communication is non-verbal and it hasn’t changed my behavior. Another example was later that same night when Hoyun and I sat outside on the porch and I talked to her about what I was feeling. It was good to talk with someone who had just witnessed our fight, but if she hadn’t been there, I probably would have called a friend.
Overall, I don’t think the project had any lasting impression on our relationship. Everything going on between us feels too complex to explain to a new person and it’s honestly a relief to spend a little less time talking about feelings.
I think this project could be interesting and potentially beneficial to someone less prone than I to social anxiety. I hope some brave couples choose to participate, and I’ll be interested in following their stories.
